~ Demi Masa ~

Thursday, April 30, 2009

~:: mY eNdLeSs RoAd ::~


My Endless Road.
My life is an endless road,
Keep tumbling over to the start,
I keep pushing on with a glimpse light of hope,
Although how hurt and hard..

People judge and people stare,
Keep counting all the mistakes I make,
But I don’t scare and I don’t care,
Coz I learnt with each step I take..

They don’t always see the tears I hide,
All the pain I keep inside,
All the fight I took and lost,
And they don’t always see the bruise it cause..

Although my life is an endless fight,
It is a fight that I must take,
I must keep fighting with all my might,
And keep smiling through though I have to fake...

~:: sEaRcHiNg 4 AnGeLs ::~



Artist: Sarah Mclachlan
Song: Arms of the angle

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough”
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angels, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angels, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

Today for the first time I finally open my closet to reveal the skeleton inside to a dear friend. I finally speaking out load about it of what made me feels and think the way I do now. The times and things that I've been through that make me who I am now. I was surprise with myself that I managed to hide the sadness I held inside for so long when I tell about it, but sitting here alone tonight the tears come flowing like a waterfall. (Yuuup.. I am a sensitive souls.. yuckk eheheh)

I am not complaining about my life, what the hack I lied, with the clock ticking and time flying I do feel frustrated about my life, but it is my life and I cannot trade it with something else. The “event” that I will have to go through only once in a life time. And I also do be too hard with myself sometimes especially felling this endlessness and nothingness.

I do hate myself for felling so weak.. See.. I am being too hard on myself again. I am allowed to be sad, to feel frustrated, to feel weak, to feel and embrace the pain. I think that I am being a hypocrite if I denied what I fell inside but I also don’t want to overdo it and live my life feeling sorry for myself, it didn't help to be so engrossed with feeling sorry for yourself.

So what.. I you fail.. Cried, scream and do whatever you like, but please do get over it and life your life. Accept the fact that you have fail; believe me you will feel better with yourself once you have accepted the fact.

But what I know from my life especially; life is more of pain then gain. More of lost then win.. It always has a way of make you feel bad but there is also always a way to make you feel better again although maybe just for second just to hide the pain but somehow it will make the pain more bearable. There’s always an angle sent to you at the point you losing your hope. At the time it all feel so hard and so painful, there’s always a touch of grace that ease the pain away. It’s up to us to recognize it. How I miss all the angles that once help me through my pain but now has gone away and how I am thankful for all the angles that is still with me giving me some comfort in pain.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

~:: a BeAuTyFuLl AdViCe FrOm A fRiEnD ::~

Artist: Avril Lavigne
"Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Singing along with this songs make me feels like the “she” that Avril sang about is me especially now. This pass few years I've keep trying hard to improve myself. Climbing the hill but I keep on tumbling down. It’s kind of tiring actually. Slowly draining my confidence bit by bit. I even had been labelled as a failure once. It came as a big hard hurting punch in my heart. So for a moment I lost myself and felling sorry for myself (which I do a lot lately.. and I really hate it). But a wisdom word of a friend cure my heart a bit. Although the advice came in a bit of a cynical way but surprisingly it really helps.

I was really upset that time being called a loser, I've been called with a lot of things this pass few years but being call a loser by someone I cared about really hurts. And then the advice came. I forgot the exact words, but it goes something like this. I will only truly be a loser when I believe that I am, when I stop trying anymore. If I stop trying then I will truly loose and that thing that I want I could never achieve, but if I keep going, someday, somehow, someday I will get it. It is just a matter of time. I will only be a loser if I believed so. Furthermore I should think about other things that I have achieved rather that the one thing that I still have not yet achieved  Don’t feel sorry for yourself if it does not come now, because Allah only knows when the perfect time is for us to have it. So how I feel is just in my head. We can control how we feel.

I thank for this advice a lot to my dear friend. It is true. Although sometimes intelligent words cannot heal your pain but most of the time it does. And actually the burdens really feels lighter is there is someone to talk to.

And I figures, if only I cannot ever mends my mistakes, but maybe those mistake will be a useful lesson for somebody else maybe :)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

~:: tHe BeGiNnInG ::~



Sometimes I wonder why people writes, especially on pages that most people can see. Some wrote their deepest thoughts while others wrote of their day...
Sometimes we have so many things inside our head but don’t know how to express them. It kind of jumble up inside and yearning to get out, but if you are the sort of person like me who can express with words but not verbally it’s kind of hard to do. So by writing somewhere, it is a sort of relief and writing on pages that have a chance for a person to see makes it feels less alone I guess. Or maybe people write just because they like to write.

So the main question is? Why do I create this blog? Well, just for fun I guess. I’m not a kind of person who love to share my private life with others, but to share a thought.. Maybe.. Coz I like to think, and mom always said I think too much.. I might be thinking too much yes.. but that doesn’t mean that I am not prone to make stupid mistakes. I always make stupid mistakes, coz I think a lot of, but most of the time I think with my heart not with my head... 

But what’s done is done.. I’m not regretting all the wrong and stupid mistakes that I’ve done. I wouldn’t change a thing also, coz in a crazy positive and optimistic way I know my mistake is priceless. Like the David Cook’s Optimistic to a fault.. (Yeah.. I’m into songs also... )

So.. Conclusions is.. Writing had been kind of a stress relief for me in my so called life that is sometimes so monotonous and sometimes crazy like a hurricane. Hectic.. Head poundings with so many questions and choices that I hate to make... And why did I decide to write my thoughts HERE now? I don’t know.. Maybe just another action that I made by the decision of my heart... Coz sometimes I am such a clueless girl.. That do what I feel like doing.. 

So.. This is the beginning of day 1.. I know, there will be a lot more crazy thoughts that you will hear from me.. So watch out.. 

~:: *** ::~